I skipped writing this feature last year, when everything going on in the film world was still very up in the air, and it was very iffy as to whether particular films were going to see a release at all. However, there were plenty of bad movies that came out in 2021, and if we include all the junk that finds its way to streaming, the options are really endless. It's time to indulge my worst, snobby elitist impulses and point out some of the minefields I intend to avoid this year. Please keep in mind that I sincerely hope that I'm wrong about all of the movies mentioned in this post, and that they beat the odds and actually turn out to be decent cinema. But if past years are any indication, it's likely this will be the last time you see discussion of any of these titles on this blog. Let's get our snark on!
First, let's run down the big franchises. "Transformers: Rise of the Beasts" has lost Michael Bay, Mark Wahlberg, and just about any recognizable tie to the prior "Transformers" movies except the actual Transformers. It looks like we're getting into the "Beast Wars" material, the only "Transformers" series I actually watched, but I have absolutely no interest in this. I have no goodwill left for "Transformers" of any stripe. Then there's the third "Fantastic Beasts" movie, which I feel everyone was contractually obligated to make and release, and we'll all feel a lot better when it's over and done with, and we can ignore the Wizarding World and J.K. Rowling for a while. Finally, we have "Jurassic Park: Dominion," which will mark Colin Trevorrow's return to the franchise. And this is where I remind you that he hasn't directed a film since "Book of Henry."
Crummy animated children's films are a major bane of my existence these days. Sometimes these high-numbered sequels turn out to be unexpectedly good, because the creators get an unexpected amount of creative leeway to go a little nuts. "Hotel Transylvania: Transformania" looks like a good candidate for this. However, I don't see that happening with "Minions: the Rise of Gru," the sequel to "Minions" (2015) and prequel to the "Despicable Me" series. And if you think that gap between sequels seems a little extreme, there's also "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish" which comes eleven years after "Shrek" spin off "Puss in Boots." There's also a "Sonic the Hedgehog" sequel, but the first one was good enough that I'll probably give that one a shot. Franky, I'm less sure about giving "Avatar 2" the time of day, which is currently supposed to be released in December. And yes, I count the first "Avatar" as an animated film.
Delays are never a good sign, even though we're still in COVID times. And films expected to be major blockbusters showing up too early in the year is bad. So, the endlessly drama-plagued "Uncharted" movie coming out in February signals a lot about its expected quality. Frankly, I'm amazed that this one actually got made after all this time. We also have "Morbius," the Jared Leto starring superhero film that is part of Sony's Spider-verse, being moved to January, despite originally being intended to come out in the summer of 2020. It's actually kind of comforting to see a Roland Emmerich disaster film showing up in theaters again. This one is "Moonfall," where the moon will get knocked out of orbit and crash into the Earth, causing plenty of CGI-enhanced disaster for the celebrity cast to navigate. But will it be any good? Probably not.
Oh, and I should mention that "Jackass Forever" and "A Madea Homecoming" are both set for 2022 releases, but I've made peace with those movies serving their respective audiences in a way that I will never understand or appreciate. So, shine on you crazy diamonds. Shine on.
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