Missmediajunkie v. The Arrowverse

I haven't actually watched any of the CW's DC Universe shows since I skipped out on "Green Arrow" after two episodes, deciding it was way too teen-oriented for me. But when all the hype and excitement for the "Crisis on Infinite Earths" super-crossover of every piece of DC media you could name blew up a few months ago, I thought it would be fun to take a look. I mean, I've always been a DC fangirl at heart, and I'm pretty up-to-speed on my comic book lore. I thought it would be fun to see if I could catch all the cameos and references, and maybe see if these shows had gotten to a place where I might be more interested in jumping in.

The answer is no. 100%, absolutely, not. The Arrowverse and I are totally incompatible. Spoilers for "Crisis" ahead.

I watched all five episodes of "Crisis on Infinite Earths" just to make sure I was giving this a fair shot, technically one episode each of "Supergirl," "Batwoman," "Arrow," "The Flash," and "Legends of Tomorrow." Let's get the basics out of the way first. If you are new to these series and these characters, this is not a good place to start.

If you're watching just for the crossovers to other DC media, I'm afraid there's not much to see. Almost all the crossovers are tiny cameos, often limited to only a few seconds. The big exceptions are as follows: the "Smallville" actors and Kevin Conroy in the second episode, Lucifer and John Constantine in the third, and the Ezra Miller Flash in the fourth. Anyone else with a significant role has already been established in-universe, like the new Superman and Lois, Black Lightning, and Jonah Hex. Yes, there are nods to "Titans," "Legion of Doom," "Swamp Thing," "Birds of Prey," the original 1966 "Batman," and many more, but there's no real interaction with any of the characters or concepts.

So what's the actual plot of this thing? DC Comics fans will remember the "Crisis" storyline brought together heroes from multiple realities to fight against a reality-destroying villain called the Anti-Monitor. It was a way to reboot the whole DC continuity and kill off a lot of characters. The Arrowverse version mostly follows the same plot points, though the major heroes involved are different. Original comics writer Marv Wolfman even has a writing credit on the fourth episode, and a cameo in the fifth. And frankly, the whole tone of the miniseries is very comic book. Heroes are larger than life, quippy but unironically forthright and true. Characters talk about being specially chosen "Paragons" tasked with fighting the Anti-Monitor with a straight face. The Dawn of Time is apparently a place, one that looks an awful lot like a random hillside run through a green filter.

I remembered "Arrow" being a little on the goofy side, but I wasn't prepared for how goofy "Crisis on Infinite Earths" would be. The productions values are half a step above later season of "Power Rangers," with cheesy special effects, wacky fight sequences, and everyone decked out in aggressively stylized, colorful, impractical costumes. Batwoman is sporting cherry ICEE colored hair. John Cryer is playing Lex Luthor in a bald cap and looks hysterical. The writing is on the exact same level as animated DC content like "Justice League" and "Young Justice," except with more emphasis on the romantic relationships. Yet, the performances by the live-action actors are somehow even more cartoonish. I found it very hard to suspend my disbelief long enough to enjoy any of it.

And it dawned on me, the Arrowverse is made for kids. Moreover, It's perfectly fine and appropriate that it's made for kids. I probably would have loved these shows in my junior high years and I'm very glad that the franchise is doing so well that there are all these connected shows running for multiple years on the CW with more on the way. However, they definitely aren't to my taste. The dialogue is too stilted, the emotions too earnest, and the melodrama too silly for my nearly forty-something year-old noggin to take. I can't even enjoy it for the campiness, like I can with the '66 "Batman." Yes, it was nice to see Brandon Routh back in the Superman suit, and I liked the little coda we got for "Smallville," but I plan to keep my distance from here on out.

It was a good reality check to be confronted with the fact that a big chunk of superhero media is still operating on this level - the equivalent of the cheesy B-movies made on shoestring budgets from when I was a kid. I've been so caught up in "Watchmen" and "The Boys" and other superhero media aimed at genre-savvy grown-ups, I forgot that the old school, kid-centric part of the superhero ecosystem is still alive and well.

"Crisis on Infinite Earths" is no "Infinity Wars," but in context, it's exactly what it should be.
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