My Least Anticipated Films of 2019

In January, with every title yet unseen, it's easy to be optimistic about the forthcoming year in cinema. Alas, bad movies are inevitable and 2019 will have no shortage of them. So below, I'll discuss some of the most groan-worthy titles that have somehow found their way to the slate of upcoming theatrical releases. Please keep in mind that I sincerely hope that I'm wrong about all of the movies in this post, and that they beat the odds and actually turn out to be decent cinema. But if past years are any indication, it's likely this will be the last time you see discussion of any of these titles on this blog.

Let's start with Ben Falcone and Melissa McCarthy. I like McCarthy, but her collaborations with her husband have been uniformly terrible, and there are two on the schedule for next year. First comes "Margie Claus," a musical about Santa's wife having to fill in for him one fateful Christmas. Then there's "Super Intelligence," where McCarthy plays an ordinary woman who has to contend with a rogue AI voiced by James Corden. These are both currently slotted for late in the year, and they may end up delayed or cancelled. McCarthy is also in a third movie not directed by Falcone, "The Kitchen," about a trio of mobster wives, that looks far more promising.

Next year will also see several adaptations of popular children's characters and toy tie-ins. I'm very doubtful about the live-action animation hybrid films about Pikachu and Sonic the Hedgehog, but there's enough good talent involved in these that I'm willing to wait and see. Ditto the live-action "Dora the Explorer," which has been rejiggered into a Latino family adventure film. However, I'm not holding my breath for the animated "UglyDolls" and "Playmobil" movies, both based on toy lines. Next year will also see the return of the "Angry Birds" and "The Secret Life of Pets" franchises, which both had less-than-stellar first films. But hey, I was wrong about "Hotel Transylvania: Summer Vacation." You never know with kids' films.

There is also going to be a bumper crop of iffy-sounding remakes. French film "Intouchables" will soon become "The Upside" with Bryan Cranston and Kevin Hart. Mexican crime film "Miss Bala," is getting an American update with Gina Rodriguez. And then there's Roland Emmerich, disaster film impresario, who will be returning cineplexes with a new version of "Midway," the 1976 WWII film. The involvement of Woody Harrelson and Luke Evans probably won't be enough to counter the inevitable CGI effects overload or a complete disregard of historical accuracy. Taraji P. Henson will be leading a gender-swapped version of "What Women Want" called "What Men Want." It looks good on paper, but it's Adam Shankman at the helm, so I'd approach with extreme caution.

Of course there are the usual suspects. "Annabelle" is getting another sequel. Tyler Perry will soon present "A Madea Family Funeral." We can also expect several Christian themed films with political messages from the faith-based film community, including the pro-life "Unplanned" and "Roe v. Wade." The latter kept losing cast and crew over the course of its disastrous production last year, but I expect that we'll see it in some form anyway. Adam Sandler's latest comedy will also premiere on Netflix, one "Murder Mystery" co-starring Jennifer Aniston. Netflix has turned into a real clearinghouse for cinematic blunders lately, and I expect a few more of their acquisitions will turn out to be busts.

Still, the really awful films have been getting harder to spot. Uwe Boll, Friedberg and Seltzer, and Paul W.S. Anderson have all be scarce for a while. Studios have been curbing the number of theatrical releases, preferring to send their commercially riskier offerings to VOD or streaming to cut down on costs. Sure, there are always going to be a couple of bad horror pictures made on the cheap, underwhelming action schlock, and tone-deaf prestige pics at a theater near you, but the egregiously bad stuff has been scarce. This year's post was harder to write than usual, and I really had to go digging to turn up some of the titles.

With any luck, in a couple of years I won't need to write this post at all.
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